The Lunatic Lyrics

FESTE

OH, OH, MALVOLIO,

MALVOLIO,

WHAT A BEWILDERING IMBROGLIO MALVOLIO IS IN.

ONE CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHETHER

THE MAN HAS TRULY SLIPPED HIS TETHER.

THE SCENARIO

IS TICKLISH.

GETTING TO SEE HIM IN THIS PICKLE ISH RIDIKILISH, AND YET,

ONE CAN'T HELP BUT FEELING SORY TOO,

OOH - FOR POOR MALVOLIO-LIO-LIO.

WHAT'LL WE DO WITH YOU?

MALVOLIO

Fool, you know I've always held you in very high esteem.

FESTE

Truly? It often seemed to me that you would have gladly had me out of the house.

MALVOLIO

Oh, never you, good fool. My quarrel was with that damnable Sir Toby.

FESTE

Shh! Careful what you say. The Holy Father is coming!

(FESTE plays the PRIEST)

PRIEST

MALVOLIO,

DOMINUS DIXIT.

KYRIE, KYRIE.

ALMA MATER.

MALVOLIO

Father, I'm so glad you're here. I must be allowed to see my lady.

PRIEST

Silence!

(sings)

MALVOLIO,

WE HAVE BEEN TOLD

YOUR MANIFOLD SINS

REGARDING THE LADY

MALVOLIO,

YOU MUST PURGE THIS

WICKEDNESS FROM YOUR SOUL.

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

PRIEST

MALVOLIO,

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

PRIEST

MALVOLIO,

WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IS MOST UNHOLY, OH!

MALVOLIO, REPENT!

FESTE

IF I MIGHT ADVISE YOU, FATHER,

THE MAN IS MAD - YOU NEEDN'T BOTHER.

PRIEST

Mad, you say?

MALVOLIO

No, Father. It's not true.

PRIEST

Madness is caused by demonic possession. We must perform an exorcism at once.

(sings)

BEELZEBUB AND LUCIFER!

I GIVE YOU WARNING, AS A CRUCIFER,

THAT WHO'S EVER INSIDE

HAD BETTER GET OUT OF THERE AND QUICK.

BEGONE FROM MY MALVOLIO-LIO-LIO.

THAT OUGHT TO DO THE TRICK.

MALVOLIO

Father, I am neither mad, nor possessed, nor anything but terribly wronged -

(FESTE plays the JUDGE)

JUDGE

Where is Malvolio?

FESTE

He is here, sir.

PRIEST

Who are you that interrupts my exorcism?

JUDGE

I am the High Magistrate, sent to make determination on this man's case. He has been charged with lewdness and gaudiness.

FESTE

But, your Honor, he can't be tried as a criminal. He's crazy!

MALVOLIO

I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy! A man with your powers of judgment and reason will very easily see that my own are unimpaired.

JUDGE

Well, we shall very soon determine if that is so.

FESTE

How?

JUDGE

WITH A CLEVER LITTLE CATECHISM I'VE DEVISED

BY MEANS OF WHICH A SUBJECT MAY BE an*lYZED

TO DETERMINE IF HIS REASON HAS BEEN COMPROMISED.

MALVOLIO

Ask me anything. I will answer you with complete sanity.

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE COLOR OF THE SKY?

MALVOLIO

BLUE.

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE SUM OF ONE AND ONE?

MALVOLIO

TWO.

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE SOUND THAT A COW MAKES?

MALVOLIO

MOO.

JUDGE

Remarkable - he got them all wrong.

FESTE

MALVOLIO...

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF A DOG?

MALVOLIO

Woof.

PRIEST

MALVOLIO, AVE MARIA.

FESTE

ONE CAN'T HELP BUT -

PRIEST

DEUS EX MACHINA.

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF AN ANGRY DOG?

MALVOLIO

Ruff! Ruff!

FESTE

MALVOLIO...

JUDGE

WHAT IS THE SOUND OF A DOG WHEN HE HOWLS AT THE MOON?

MALVOLIO

Owoooo! Ow-ow-owooo!

JUDGE

Well, gentlemen - I'm afraid the man's a barking lunatic.

FESTE

OH, MY POOR MALVOLIO,

PRIEST

MALVOLIO,

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

JUDGE

MALVOLIO,

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

PRIEST

MALVOLIO,

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

JUDGE

MALVOLIO,

FESTE

MALVOLIO,

WHAT'LL WE DO WITH YOU?

(speaks)

I am good!

The Lunatic Lyrics From The Musical Illyria


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